2 Month Anniversary and Self Reflection upon the Stroke

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7:00 am Pacific

One more day before I meet with another Dr! I have a cardiologist date tomorrow to explain my unexplainable condition:) Well… maybe conditions. Ha. I think I may be the undesirable patient now… I have become so educate in so many areas that I control the conversation for about the first 30 mins trying to make them understand everything I have went through. While listing the many tests that I have all ready cleared, MRI, Ultrasound, TEE, EKG, low blood pressure, hi heart rate…. I can just see their mind turning to a state of I don’t know because I just listed all the tests they would recommend for others patients is not an option. Hell at Mayo, all they wanted to do was the same dam thing I had done before!!! It all gets me discouraged over and over… Will I ever get an answer that I can be satisfied with? I don’t wanna quit! I want to know! I need to know! If I decide to break a rule, I would like to know the risk I am taking. You all know that if you speed, you may have to pay a fine- Right? You can’t say, Oh, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that. My car says it goes 140m.p.h. so I thought why not. NO, you know! You know you are breaking the law. Everybody knows when they are taking risks and breaking rules. Well, I would like to know that if that jumbo chicken finger is a risk for me to have slurred speech or the opposite. Maybe my daily routine of working out is too much strain on my heart and I shouldn’t be pushing myself to hit the elliptical machine for 35 min. or lift weights for 60 min. even though I think I am helping. That’s the thing. I just don’t know if what I am doing or will be doing is good for me! And that… is unsettling and hard to come to grips with.

This has unfortunetly became my way of life though. As the initial news and awareness has calmed down- Ya know, the constant facebook updates, tweats, & emails which led to cherishable contacts from so many caring and concerned people. Many helpful donations, the rise of 2 fundraising committees that have worked intelligently & tirelessly all for the sole purpose of helping me. I don’t know what I have done over the years to impact so many people to reach out and express genuine sympathy and aid towards me. As a friend recently said to me, you must have been living your life right! As non complicated as it is, that carries so much weight! As I was saying before- this has unfortunetly become a way of life for me now. I no longer have any thoughts that made me equal to many of you like what to wear, planned events, drinks with friends, and so on. No, my everyday life is filled with heart rate monitors beeping, stacks of letters from a non paying insurance company, phone calls to federal agencies, letters to congressmen, letters to media outlets, reports of tests, losing my balance, dizzy spells, finding new doctors, resting (which I don’t do much of), researching the internet, spreading awareness through twitter, this Blog, & facebook. Wheh! Some days, I look at the bills & collection notices and it just gets a hold of me so hard… I can’t get out of the funk. I start to think, am I going to lose everything I have earned, the right way, for the past 10 years in say a few months??? I mean, I can’t see the end. I don’t know what to expect. It’s a heavy load to have on your shoulders. I can’t work. I have no income. I have no roommates. (need a place? let me know:)I don’t do the daily trip to the mailbox anymore cause I don’t want to find another bill for a procedure that gave no answers. I know I am not getting any paychecks for snapping any pics. So, it’s all bad news except for a couple of you that sent me some sweet ole gifts. Thx! It’s easy to feel alone when you contemplate the strief and grief I have to incur on a daily basis. I become lost….. But somehow, maybe the next day, I end up feeling positive that I will overcome all of these issues in time. That is where so many of you play a big role. I am constantly thanking you all for your support ya know. But it is you that fuels me through my thoughts of endlessness. When I am down, I get an email, or text message, a phone call, or a quick facebook wall post. Sometimes when I am down, I need to reach out to you as well. I just want some normalcy. I just want to talk and laugh ya know. I just want to escape from my loaded problems…. I wanna her how you are! Speaking medical jargon all the time is not glorious humor:) So, thx again and again!!! Your continuation of letting me hear you in your own way stretches far.

I want my life back! … I mean, I want a better life back. I want to have the opportunity to experience and enjoy new adventures again with my new outlook on life and people. I don’t have any kids, but you know how every parent says that your life changes instantly the moment you become a mom or dad? That is probably the closest thing I can relate this too cause I feel like I got a second chance. A second chance to carry on, but there is no way I will look at life in the same light. I have changed in many ways, but I find myself being the same in many too. I am not going to go into examples and evaluation of my mental state… Geez, my brain is still redeveloping. I don’t need outside pyscho analysis! Ha Just kidding. Simply, all I know is that I am proud to be still here. I have many new and difficult daily obsticales that the average 30 something knows nothing about. Some visible, but mostly invisible to the clear eye. I know that I am not myself compared to who I was before, and maybe I will never be. I am here though, and that’s pretty cool in itself.

-Sabe


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